quixoticvulcan's Journal

8:04pm: Jealousy
Some short thoughts on jealousy.
The particular issue with jealousy I am discussing is a situations where someone you really like likes someone close to you more. For example, I do not like my good male friends about with my sister, hitting on her and such. It's a bit difficult. It's not because I wish they'd hit on me, though. I just don't like the idea that she is the better twin to hit on. If they are going to hit on one of us, it bothers me that it's her rather than me. Of course, if one were seriously interested in her, I'd get over it, fairly easily I might add. Most of the time, I experience this sort of jealousy in people I know rather than me. More than once I've seen the situation where a boy likes a girl, and his best friend likes her too. She only likes one of them. Or the opposite. Sometimes it isn't really about romantic feelings, more of a general competition, no one wants to watch their friend or sister be the better man, even when they don't really care for whoever it is in the first place. It sucks for the girl in our scenario because she can't date either of them.

8:02pm: The Dictionary
I decided I would post my dictionary here. I haven't done anything like that before, but I feel like it. Perhaps it will save some confusion.

I have added a realm theory that I have not previously mentioned. It will be included.

THE GOOD REALM
(the realms within the good realm are not in a hierarchy, both are equal in goodness)

The Realm of Thought- realm characterized by complicated answers, pain, deliberate change and, in most cases, a great need for people. Species included (in order of belongingness to realm): Betazoid, Vulcan, Catian, Porcupine, Independent, Sith

The Realm of Feeling- realm characterized by simple, direct answers, periodic incidents of unhappiness, natural change and a lesser need for people. Species included: Porcupine, Independent, Sith, the Cool kids, Birds

THE BAD REALM
(this realm sucks and I never deal with them)

The Realm of Ignorance- realm characterized by over-simplified answers, very little pain or very petty pain, natural, conformist change, and a need for people but not close relationships. Species included: Drunkards, Independents, Birds

I do not deal with in the bad realm, only the good realm. I only deal a little with the feeling realm, they generally don't want to listen to me.

SPECIES

Betazoid- a classification that I rarely apply to anyone, perhaps almost no one, except for me and like... two other people maybe who I don't want to tell you who they are.... and even then, no one is full betazoid, they are always hybrids. A betazoid is in the though realm because of their dissecting emotions and all of such things. They think about their emotions. Empathy, sympathy, problem solving skills.

Vulcan- hide emotions, need people desperately, great capacity for love, but no where to put it, afraid of pain, often apathetic, angry or comical, a bit egotistic

Catian- still a theory, have not learned about close relationships and don't understand need for them, need people but may not know it or care quite yet, often apathetic, something missing from life, often have limited family interaction (but not always)

Porcupine- the closer you get to them, the more pain they cause you, need people but can't handle a relationship, they don't know what the hell they are doing in life, often feel insignificant

Independent- can apply to all realms, doesn't seem to need people very much, fairly happy, frustrating to be around, often others wonder if independents care about them at all, many times a form of porcupine, except that they know what they are doing

Sith- rarer breed, self centered, need people to pay attention to them, parasitical at times, do what they like all the time, little consideration for others, selfish, often make excuses for selfishness, often feel that romantic love is the greatest love there is and justify things with it, impulsive, thinking siths are prone to revenge

Cool Kids- those people that other describe as being cool, having all their values in line, well liked, have goals, fairly well adjusted, have unique little qualities that others find attractive, however, they can be a bit independent and porcupine-esque, they aren't especially interesting and the drama that constantly surrounds all the other species does not exist with them, i dislike cool kids very much, sorry to say...

Birds- life is transient, hedonistic, want only to be constantly happy, want to "live" as much as possible before they die and leave a helluva corpse, typically do not have close relationships, often engage in daring behaviors

Drunkards- sad to say, this definition is very biased. you don't have to drink to be a drunkard, perhaps a bit offensive to people who drink, stephanie came up with it, if someone has a better name, please suggest it, ignorant, apathetic, self centered, obnoxious, petty, material, all that jazz

Most people have many, many of all of the qualities in them.

SOME GENERAL TERMS

friend- has many meanings the way i use it, my analytical definition is: someone you share your feelings with and complain to, surprisingly, many people do not really have friends like that, I am always a bit surprised at it.

close- a close relationship requires the sharing of the deepest feelings, must be able to cry in front of them, must be an equal association

equal- everything you do for them, they do for you, if they listen to you complain, you listen just as much etc.

relationship- applies to anything involving interaction between people, doesn't have to be romantic, or even friendly

natural change- change that is just a part of growing up, maturing, happens to most people

deliberate change- change as a result of pensiveness and sadness, conscious, can happen at any time in life, change restricted to thinking and feeling realms, and only on the feeling realm that is on the border of the thinking realm

conformist change- changing because of what is generally expected of your age group in the ignorant realm, a little of this happens to everyone, but ignorant realmers are restricted to it almost always

Alright, the pretentiousness is over. If anyone has an suggestions, revisions or new definitions at any time, or anything I forgot, let me know! I will be updating this as the dictionary expands.

9:46pm: Phoont
"I gave you my music, made your song take wing, and now, how you've repaid me, denied me and betrayed me. He was a bound to love you, when he heard you sing...."

Phantom failed to realize, his music made Raoul love Christine...

Now, Phantom has all sorts of magical powers and he definitely would know exactly who was coming into the theater every night, not just their names, but who they were; especially if such a person were the new patron of the theater (as Raoul was). He must have known about Raoul and Christine back in the day (the knew eachother when they were 14), yet, he did nothing about Christine performing in front of him. If, apparently, Raoul was bound to love her after hearing her sing, he never should have let her sing in front of Raoul. I suppose it was because he was confident that she would choose him over Raoul because of everything he had given her. Ironically, it was because of the talent he gave her that caused her to leave him for Raoul. It's quite a sad situation.

If I were Phantom I would be both cooler and not as cool as him. I totally wouldn't murder people or threaten Raoul's life at the end. I also totally don't have his awesome musical powers (assuming that I had mind powers in the first place anyway, though I don't really have those either). Eh, I still wouldn't murder people. There is really not a very good argument for all of the twisted, evil things he did. He didn't do them out of love, soooo...meh. Love isn't even a very good argument anyway. But I do feel like Phantom sometimes. I feel like I can help someone so much and care about them so much but that doesn't mean (oh wait, I mean NEVER means) that they care about me too and want to help me too. I need to stop caring about these people. Except that if I did that, then I couldn't really help them. My life is one Catch 22 after another. I suppose my usual answer to my problems is "Go do it yourself." In this case, I believe if I went and did it myself it would defeat the purpose. Finding another guy that I have to be aggressive with is just the beginning of another problem. Clearly, such a fellow needs to find me. I don't even care, I just want one that will care about me as much as I care about them. They don't have to be able to sit there and tell me what my problem is, I KNOW what all my problems are, I would want to punch anyone who wanted to sit there and explain them to me as I do to other people. I just want one who says stuff, all the time! And by stuff I mean, affectionate things. I like whole verbal thing. I don't need to be constantly touching people (eh, I end up doing that, but it's not a necesity like this is). In any case, there was only one obviously sign of strife in my most recent relationship with Johannes and that was that he didn't say stuff very often. I suppose had he felt like doing that, it would have eliminated many problems. The feelings involved there would be such that our problems would not have existed, really, I believe.
There are no other guys. Seriously, I've met other guys, none of them are anything suitable for me... Perhaps in a year or so some of them will be. But I need a best friend right now. Ah, I can't be happy without a boyfriend. What is up with that? I mean, it isn't a confidence issue. I love myself. But, without that support structure, I get all sad. I must have a very, very strong need for acceptance. I need someone who I can love all the time and who will love me back. Otherwise, I suppose, the love has no where to go, a rather sad situation. I think many people have this issue. Not to the extent that they are as miserable as I am, the miserableness is caused by my Vulcanism and ego. However, people in relationships need them sooo much. This is why I get so many cases where people make excuses for bad boyfriends or girlfriends. They don't even all love these people that much, they just need that. Most people do, which is why it's such a common problem..

Alright, done for now.

6:11pm: People who need people
I am a people who needs people. Alright so, I don't particularly like Barbra Streisand, but the lyrics to that song are very helpful.

Lovers
Are very special people
They're the luckiest people in the world
With one person,
One very special person
A feeling deep in your soul
Says you are half now you're whole
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person who needs people
People, People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world.

But first be a person who needs people. I've run across some people, not porcupines, entirely separate creatures from porcupines, who don't seem to need people. Let me see, I must think of a better name for them than people-who-don't-need-people. Time to add another one to "Rebecca's Dictionary". Pwodneeps? Nooo... let's think of an animal or a Star Trek species. Ah, here is a fitting combination of both, Catians (cardassians would be too cruel, though a cardassian has different perameters defining their relationships with other cardassians, they are also cruel-hearted liars that often represent the Nazis or Palestinians when speaking in terms of the Bajoran occupation). In any case, catians don't need people (they are a Star Trek species that appeared in one episode or so and are based on cats). Anyway, for some reason, they can handle being alone. When I say being alone, I mean, being without a close friend to talk to about stuff. I have a lot of problems, so I suppose I need people to talk to about them, but I think that that is a pretty common theme even among happy people, which Catians generally are not. There is a lot of apathy involved in that sort of personality type. Something is missing for them. Before, I didn't know what it was. It should have been obvious, but I can be dense (sometimes). The thing that is missing, is being a person who needs people. If you don't feel you need people, you will never be happy nor will you make anyone else happy. And though you may not be in a constant state of depression and woe, there will always be something missing.
I don't know how they deal with being alone, but I suppose that when they were young they learned to be lonely, when they were very young. I had a twin sister and very involved parents and I learned to love to have people really young. My behavior was patterned so that I couldn't fend for myself in that way. If I was afraid at night, I could go sleep in my parents' room, I didn't have to force myself to overcome it. Yes, alright, so I have to put a CD of the ocean on so that I don't hear creepy noises at night, but that's definitely a relatively minor side effect compared to something being missing from my life. My parents were there, I could tell them, I needed to tell them I was afraid of the noises. And my sister, my little twinby, I never learned how to play by myself or to ever be apart from her. Sounds sort of bad when I put it that way, but what I mean is, she was my closest friend immediately. As soon as I realized she existed (which is actually a very funny story) I immediately had someone who saw me at my worst and my best and knew everything about me. I learned to need people. Other children were a bit lonely, I suppose, or I would say that they are, but they don't know it. You cannot know what happiness is unless you understand what there is to be happy about. Catians learn to feel relatively normal without such close ties. I believe this to be a side effect of the modern world, and not having to do with deep evolutionary concepts. I believe this to be a relatively modern development occurring because you don't NEED to need people like that in order to survive well enough. Well enough is key, here, any person who realizes what they are missing by being catian will want to change immediately. The strongest are those that need to be close to others. They are the luckiest people in the world.
Not to say that Catian don't feel things. They do, they love their parents and siblings and friends and all sorts of things. But, just like a Vulcan, close relationships escape them. A Vulcan has a capacity for such things, a Catian does not. Many Catians are Vulcans without that capacity anyway. A Vulcan may need a close relationship, but can't develop them due to their repressedness and when they suddenly find themselves wanting a close relationship, they are unable to form them and become sad. A Catian doesn't realize that they need a close relationship, they may form relationships but will always be detached just a bit because they didn't learn not to be. When you have someone you love, there aren't things missing.
I tell you what, I don't think it even takes the right person necessarily to make a Catian learn these things. A Vulcan, yes. The right person must come along. I, for example, and many of my friends, vulcan or no, have certain behaviors that they do in relationships that Catians do not, regardless of whether they are really in love with the person or not. For all of the boys I have ever liked, I repeat the same behaviors, as do other non-catians. I haven't loved all the boys I ever liked, but I was somehow taught that those behaviors are what you do, and how I would like someone to treat me. My sisters too, and Alison and Amit and Dylan, just to name a few, all do the same things. Even my porcupine buddies, such as Michael, have similar actions. A Catian is separate. A Catian does not do those things and doesn't...doesn't appreciate, rather, a Catian doesn't know that they appreciate or that they are worth appreciation. It doesn't even have to do with love really. It's actually more part of an attempt to build a successful relationship and not the result of one. If you like someone, which Catians certainly do (attraction to someone's personality and looks is inescapable, even for catians), then you do these things to try to build such a relationship. Being really close to them and loving them is different. It comes after that, the feelings or desperateness and depression one has after breaking up with someone you love is proof that that's happened. Not all the boys I've ever liked have broken my heart, yet I still go through those same actions before I've even really become close to them. Such things don't come naturally to Catians, but if they don't learn to make them second nature, there will always be something missing and they will never make any person happy in a relationship with them.
OVER AND OVER AND OVER I get so many people who talk to me and tell me about how their boy/girlfriends don't pay enough attention to them, or how their closest friends (also potential boy/girlfriends) don't seem to pay attention to them like someone who you are close to should. It's a very common problem with the people I converse with. Unless it is another Catian that a Catian likes, someone is bound to be unhappy.
The above statement about Catian and Catian relationships is contradictory. See, Catians will never end up with another Catian. It's not in their nature. In order for a Catian to have a relationship, someone else needs to initiate it. Some of the components (but not all) of starting and building a relationship is part of what escapes them. They are like mules. Mules come from a horse and a donkey, but they can never mate with another mule. A Catian will always be paired with someone very affectionate and aggressive, the aggressive is to make up for the fact that a Catian can't be aggressively affectionate enough. Let's see...GUESS WHO'S ATTRACTED TO CATIANS! Me. People like my sisters and me and Alison and Dylan want to "save" Catians. That is how these things occur. Thus, a Catian will not have a successful relationship, just as porcupines and vulcans can't, neither can a Catian.
Catians had to learn to entertain themselves, and partly because of this, they tend to treat others they have relationships with as if they are one of those entertainments that they came to rely on when they were little, like video games or something. When there is a really, really good video game, you play it all the time. It's great. But, when your friends ask you to play with them, you go and play with them and you like them more. That doesn't mean that they care about you as much as a game, not at all, it just means that that is how they learned to act and they didn't learn other skills, so they must revert to it. I mean, if your computer broke (let's say it was a computer game) and you couldn't play the game anymore, you'd be a bit bored, have to find something to do, maybe watch TV. Maybe, you'd check to see if the computer was working a couple of times. Catians seem to miss you only about that much, as much as they miss their other entertainments, because they didn't learn about friendship and such things as well as they might have. When they do not have a close friend, they may be only slightly lonelier than they would be without their favorite game.
Alright, here it is straightforward
Catians don't "need" people because they learned to be alone and don't know what they are missing. Catians most likely have something missing and thus are not content but only okay all the time. As long as they are Catians, they will not make another person happy, nor will they really be happy themselves. It does not have to do with the person when people act they way Catians can't. Being sweet and loving are in the building of a close relationship, not the results there of.
The last concluding thought:
Vulcans are constantly caught in a Catch 22, so are Catians.
With Vulcans, in order to learn how not to be a Vulcan, someone needs to care about them and listen to them and love them, in order for someone to love them, they must learn how to not be vulcans.
With Catians, in order to not be Catian, someone has to be worth it for them to change,in order for someone to be worth it, they have to change so they can build a relationship successfully.
The loopholes to these Catch 22's, the answer to the problem, lie within realization of the problem, a determination within oneself and being able to force oneself to open to all possibilities. If a person can think that way and if they can open themselves to revolution, then they have to find someone who will listen. After that, change is easy.

4:27pm: Two Cats
Perseus the Male Calico Cat paid me a visit today. Laddie abso-bloomin'-lutely hates him. Every time they've seen each other, Laddie upsets himself and starts hissing and pouncing and jumping into glass doors (not the smartest cat). Thankfully, today Laddie had no idea that I was out playing with Perseus instead of him. I like my cat, he's a great cat, but there is a distinct difference between him and Perseus. When you come outside to see Perseus, he comes over and wants to be petted. He's always happy to see you and he purrs when you stroke his little kitty nose. He doesn't become disinterested or suddenly decide he's had enough and begin pretending your hand is a mouse. If you leave him, he'll follow you. Not only that, but when you pet his head, he'll react fabulously by leaning his head into your hand. He's a very affectionate cat and he lets you know that he doesn't want you to leave him alone. Usually, Laddie succeeds in scaring such a nice cat away.
Laddie is affectionate, too. But, he won't stay if you pick him up, he won't react fabulously if you pet his little head. He sits there and purrs, yes purrs. Purring is nice. But it's just not the same! Yes, it shows the cat is enjoying sitting with you, but Perseus is just so much more effective. When Laddie walks away from you, you get the sense that he's sick of you and that he refuses to be petted unless on his terms. He just happens to be in the house and decides to seek you out to be affectionate. Perseus comes to your house and will meow outside for you to come pet him. He employs all sorts of crazy tricks, including jumping onto the roof and pretending he can't get down to get you to come out. When Perseus walks away, you don't feel slighted or upset with him. I think to myself "I want a cat as nice as this, that will always be showing me how much he appreciates me." I am always showing my kitty how much I appreciate him, I am always coming to find him and pet him. I know he is happy here, I know he loves us in his kitty way, but still, it's not like Perseus. I think to myself "Would I really want Perseus instead of Laddie?" The answer is no. I know Laddie, I know when he's upset or sick or doesn't want to play or wants to be petted or other things. I love my cat, I don't want him to change. When he is gone (hopefully years from now), I could be happy with another cat like him, but I wonder, could I have a cat like Perseus? A cat who wants to be my cat as much as I want to be his owner? Are cats like that so very rare? Afterall, the chances of a MALE calico cat are almost nil. Yet it does happen. Perseus is one of the rare male calico cats. Another thing, Laddie ALWAYS stays with me. He is deathly afraid of outside. Perseus is an outdoor cat. How does his owner feel? Is Perseus always leaving his owners to travel around the neighborhood? How often is he at home? Only for meals? Or does he come inside for the night and sleep in his own house? No doubt he loves the hand that feeds him, but the fact is, whether he comes home at night or not, that hand will always feed him and he doesn't know and doesn't care about whether his owner wants him home at night. Can it be that such an affectionate cat is always so affectionate because he jumps from house to house? Does he never get sick of one person because he has 20 others to see? Can such an affectionate cat also be an indoor cat? or do they only exist outdoors?
What I want is Laddie, same ol' Laddie, except that, once in awhile, he'll come over and rub his head on my leg, and when I pet his head, he'll lean into my hand.




Does Perseus go home at night?

4:39pm: Moof
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3:16pm: A Question
I thought of this today: Would you rather be King Arthur and have the woman you love betray you and your entire kingdom ruined, or would you rather be Lancelot and run away with the woman you love and but betray your best friend?

I tried to give my cat medicine, you can imagine how that went. He like, pretended to pee so that I wouldn't give him the medicine. He depresses me; I want to help him, but he doesn't understand that forcing him to take icky liquid is a helpful, for he is a cat. It bothers me...

I saw Johannes today! Yay! We've introduced a new, revolutionary aspect to our relationship...ready for this?....Laughter.... ARE YOU SHOCKED? NO? I am.
I am sick of silly little depressios who whine a lot about stuff...whine, whine, whine.... I was a depressio, but It was more because I realized I was pushing people away, which is different than being told the truth and then keeping on whining...

My cousins still can't really pronounce the name "Johannes" Yo-han-ess, not that hard? I mean, like, it could be harder, like Yasuhiro Kusakawa. That is far more difficult. People are always calling him Yashiro and all sorts of odd things...I fail to see the difficulty in the pronunciation. Of course, his last name has one of those "ü's" in it, and I still can't figure it out...

7:04pm: Porcupines
I hate porcupines. No matter how cute they are, when you hug a porcupine the quills will hurt you. There are some people who are most comfortable with those that do not know them well at all, or that do not like to be with people at all. These are the people I am talking about. The closer you get to them, the more pain it causes. Most of the time, these awful people have some form of vulcanism. Of course, with a genuine vulcan, there is actually SOMETHING they are trying to hide to avoid getting hurt. Porcupines are trying to make up for the fact that they have NOTHING. They try satisfy their need for acceptance and community by making up for their lack of relationship skills with something else. Vulcans hide because they are afraid of being hurt and of hurting others, porcupines are trying to hide weakenesses instead of dealing with them. I know a few that are pretty pleased with the result. These people can talk to you everyday, can call you on the phone everyday, sit at your lunch table everyday, and yet when you are not there one day, do not miss you at all. To porcupines, you are like a good video game. It's great, you play it everyday and it's fun, but when your friends call you stop playing it to hang out with them. Do you miss such a video game like you'd miss a friend you talk to everyday? No, not in the least. Porcupines feel the way they do about people about video games. Or at least, they act like they do. A few wonder why they can't get a boy/girlfriend and the answer is obvious. If you can't really have a good friend, how do you expect to have a romantic relationship? Porcupines hurt everyone that gets close to them because there is no more to them than quills, no cute little rodent underneath like in a real porcupine. If you are upset and they are late to class or they are tired, they won't help you. They won't because they don't really care, as proven by the fact that they don't miss you. They'll try to be nice about it, but they'll just run away from the situation. It makes sense to miss someone who you are used to talking to everyday. How can such a person ever expect to have any sort of close relationship if they are too much quill and not enough fuzzy rodent? It's awful for the non-porcupines. Many porcupines just don't seem to care yet that they are the way they are. Of course, such porcupines are not ready to be seeking out relationships, once they are fully matured, it will become a problem. They will be lost (and I may very well laugh at them, no, that's a bit cruel...but I'd like to), afterall, even a rodent such as the porcupine is monogamous.

2:53pm: Dead Letters
As promised, here are the dead letters:

Dear Erensu,
You were never in the club. That's right, never. And then you killed me.
-Rebecca
Dear Steph,
Now you can go through with your "Pretend to be Rebecca Plan." Happy? You can never go to a dentist again.
I hope your teeth rot.
-Rebecca
Dear Johannes,
I was so upset that you didn't play risk with Erensu and me that I died. Tell Billy he's accused of homicide.
-Rebecca
Dear Michael,
Ever since the moment I saw you, I was miserable, even until the day I died of you stabbing me in the back.
Please don't have sex with my corpse,
-Rebecca
Dear Dylan,
Michael used to hit on me all the time while you weren't looking. Little did I know he and you were meant to be together.
-Rebecca
Dear Samantha,
Thanks to your futile attempt to bring 2-D characters to life, my soul is trapped in a card.
Thanks a lot, Llama face,
-Rebecca

Everybody, please, write back.

12:45am: Ick
THAT'S IT. I'm a weak little maggot. What, I can die for the dream but not do my math homework for it? And all of this music...everything I do is music. Senators don't spend most of their time doing such things. I swear, after my own parents, I see Mr. B most often out of all the adults I know. What is that? I just procrastinate and don't do things and stay up until all hours playing scrabble and attempting to speak german. It's awful, it really is. I have no doubts that I would do all the sorts of gruesome things I said I would for the dream. Of course, math homework seems different...sigh...I must analyze the situation thoroughly and decide what sorts of balances I must achieve and then achieve them. No just the homework, but am I allowed to be in love? why can't I shut up sometimes? what to do about my lack of charisma? do I have no choice but to force myself to be happy? is that necessary? what is the balance? why should it matter if I can separate my emotions? Restrictions are necessary. There will be none of this flibbing about anymore.

7:04pm: Lists
LIST
Typical male qualities, typical female qualities. Both positive and negative...post as comments in response to entry! GO. NOW. GLASS-FOR-BRAINS.

6:40pm: Dylan
So I was in the car today with Dylan and his mom because Mrs. Roth kindly agreed to give me a ride home. He was all upset about the fact that he had to learn all these magic tricks in so short a time (a very legitimate gripe, believe me, I know, I had to drive myself mad learning my piano music for the play). Now, when I was upset about that my piano teacher told me that I just didn't have the time to worry about it. Even if I couldn't get it right, they have no better pianist than me and it's too late to get someone else anyway, so I had no choice but to do my best and practice like crazy. He said he'd been in similar situations and it made me feel better because I have a lot respect for Mr. Wilson's skills. I was worried that Mr. B would never want me as a pianist again and that I would let him down and he wouldn't like me anymore. The fact of the matter is, there is no reason to worry about it. It's a valid complaint, but it's unproductive to sit and worry and be fatalistic about it. I practiced and practiced and now everything is fine. After all, what could I do? Only my best, and if that isn't good enough, then what can I do? Worry later, after the show is over, make sure to impress them next year with the try outs, get better between the end of this show and the try outs for the next one. That was my point. Dylan accused me of ridiculing him and I got the message that he thought I was judging him harshly, but I was just trying to make him feel better. I think it's because he thinks I am cruel and want to crush all weakness, that I don't really understand stuff. Meanwhile, he just loves my sister, who on a number of occassions has told me to make sure I don't make any noise at night when I cry because it bothers her. And he just loves Michael, who tries to make for his lack of...uh...everything...by using his charisma. Sigh, I am may be an arrogant jerk, and I may sometimes forget that my friends aren't quite as...proactive...as I am, but I won't tell you to hide the fact that your upset or humorously avoid the subject at all.
Thanks a lot, Dylan.

10:29pm: Why I love my friends
Awwww...I sound sooo sentimental. Really though, this is why I love you!

Ferensu: Erensu and I have the kind of relationship that needs no maintenance! It's great, we always want to hang out. We can sit around doing mundaine things and it's a great time. She is my only friend I can to that with. Yay for Erensu.

Samook: By all laws of nature, Samantha and I should be mortal enemies.....but she doesn't care enough to be and neither do I. I like to see just how crazy the illogical side of things is. It is a good time.

Schmylan: Dylan, you are always my favorite! When I talk about you, that is what I always say. I think you and Alison are probably tied for being the most emotionally balanced that it is possible to be when you are friends with Rebecca Gans! (really, nobody I know is any good for anything, except Dylan) (just kidding, but it's virtually true).

Schtike: Michael and I are the kind of friends where we are so completely mismatched it's like....really impossible..or something of the sort. It's great because I act crazy and get mad at him and he acts stupid and then gets mad at me (in that order), but then all is well. I think we got used to our differences and once the battle is over, it doesn't matter any more.

Falison: Alison and I have great chemistry, even after quite a bit we can always talk about everything. Oh Alison, you are such a good kid, such a good daughter, such a good friend. Would it kill you to learn how to walk and talk at the same time? (just kidding, you're so cute when you're late!)

And that is it! Yaaaay, I hope you enjoyed the praise.

10:02pm: Three unrelated commentaries
When I was five years old I went to the bus stop with my mother and sister for the first time on my first day of kindergarten. When we arrived, I saw a girl my age with dark, dark brown hair (that I never mistook for black!)with fabulous dimples. My mom told me that she was Erensu Altan and that she was in my class. She didn't say anything except when she whispered something to her mother. She wouldn't talk to anyone else. I decided immediately that I would become her friend. I'm not sure for how long, but every single day I sat with her on the bus, I sat next to her in class and I was always talking to her. I am pretty sure that if she said anything at all, it was very short, maybe not even a complete sentence, like she'd say "yes" or "no." I remember one time I asked her if I could sit with her on the bus and she didn't say anything at all so I just sat down. Anyway, this one time I remember she said like, a whole paragraph to me. I was so happy I just out of my seat and a gluestick fell on the floor. I seem to remember saying "Erensu talked to me!" or something to that effect. After working so hard to get her to like me, I was just so happy that she even said anything to me. Why can't I be like that anymore?

No matter how many nice things I say, no matter how sincere I am, no one will say them back.

I'm sorry, Dylan. You always were my favorite.

8:11pm: German
I learned some German. Here is what I can say:

Ich brauche das Buch um meine Hausaufgaben zu machen. I need the book to do my homework.
Ich esse die Erdbeeren. I eat the strawberries.
Willst du spielen Scrabble? Do you want to play scrabble?
Ich bin ein sehr hübsches maedchen. I am a very pretty girl.
Du bist eine reizender Junge. You are an attractive boy.
Er mag sie. He likes her.
Ich fuehle mich nicht schlau. I don't feel smart.
Ich bin betrunken. I am drunk.
Ich bin blau. I am blue.
gluecklich traurig wuetend muede energisch freundlich
happy sad angry tired energetic friendly
Der kater kotzt. The cat vomits.

6:05pm: Kitty
God invited all the animals to a party. And cat and rat were best friends. But rat told cat that the party was the day after it actually was. The cat went to sleep purring and happy, dreaming of a party that would never happen. He slept in his little kitty bed, warm and fuzzy and was happy and peaceful and loved everything. He woke up and licked himself all nice and clean and couldn't wait to get to the party. He walked a long way to God's house. But there was no party for him. No cake for him. The other animals had already been there and they refused to play with him anymore. He had no friends. God wouldn't let him be part of the Zodiac after that. He let rat have his own year. He missed the party he had dreamed of, the other animals wouldn't play with him and God shunned him because rat lied. He lied to his best friend. And cat was sad. He spent his whole life just trying to be accepted and he was trustful and was lied to. If I were God I would say "It's okay kitty, you can have your own year because rat is a liar, and I saved you some cake, I thought maybe you got lost and when you got here you'd be hungry." And if I were the other animals I would say "I love you, Cat. Let's all go play together!" And if I were rat I would say "I am sorry I lied." And if I were cat, I would be happy and forgive him. But that didn't happen, now the kitty can never be accepted. He was so excited about the party and his little heart was broken.
There were little children playing a game where you are the name of a fruit. Someone calls out your fruit's name and then you get to join the game. All the little kids were oranges or cherries or apples, except one little girl. They told her she had to be the riceball. Because riceballs don't belong in fruits baskets. She thought the riceball sounded yummy and then sat and waited and waited and waited for someone to call out "riceball!" but no one did. Riceballs don't belong in fruits baskets.

10:01pm: frib
I want a guy who IM's me every 15 minutes while I'm away.

9:15pm: Practicing
I spent three hours today practicing the stuff for the play. *Sigh* I know one piece, I only sort of have two, and then the other two I've barely even looked at. I only have one more available hour before practice on Friday. I'm gonna die.

10:50pm: My siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiister
Oh that little Steph. What a sweetheart. She makes the best little faces. With the pouting and fake roaring and screaming....nyaw...She's so cute. Yes, she is my little snugglefish. Even though we fight once in awhile if the the thermostat is down or we're really bored, or if she is being a little psycho-face, she is my favorite little boo.

11:25pm: If I were dead...
So, today, Erensu and I were discussing what we would do if we were about to die. We agreed we would write letters to everyone that they would read before we died. Now, the real point here is not the morbid topic of death, but telling people what you really think of them. I'm thinking this may be a good mind exercise...

12:50pm: I TRUSTED YOU, MOTHER
I LOST THE BET! My mom is a nutritionist and I figured that since she NEVER HAS EVER EVER EVER brought home juice that was less than 51% actual juice that she would not do so in the future either. So, I assumed the crangrape juice was fine, BUT NO, only 25% percent juice. CURSE MY SHORT ATTENTION SPAN, I should have checked. So, I lost now, and I stole some of my sister's raisinets in defiance (it should be spelled "raisinettes!"). They are delicious.

12:05am: Practicing
I practiced the piano a lot today. Unfortunately, I am not really at the point I would like to be at. The music is so alien it's difficult, I suppose. There is a lot of necessary moving and things that, were I practicing only for myself, I might leave out. But oh well, I'll just have to practice a lot.
In many cases, I think I talk so much because I keep trying to express things in words that are better expressed by actions. I used to go on and on to my ex boyfriend, but it was only because I would rather have been kissing him. Especially when he was in a bad mood, it worked pretty well, but in some cases, words are pretty much pointless.
I feel unwanted lately, which I will blame on myself. I'm difficult to get along with, I suppose. I need some charisma, or something. I wish you could learn that kind of thing. If I were likable, I would be the most unstoppable force of justice ever. I'd just be like WHAM Justice is done.


OMIGOD QUIXOTIC IS ACTUALLY AN ADJECTIVE ON THIS THING

11:11pm: Long winded
Alright, so now that my scrabble buddy has left me, it's time for some rantiness.
Haha, even though I am pretty much longwinded even without ranting.
Like anyone is going to read this whole thing, ironically, the reasons why not are the below.
Alright, several times I have found myself going through my usual exercises in regards to my attempts to understand the reactions of others and being unable to put myself in their shoes. The situations I'm talking about are when I try to be someone on the receiving end my aggressive nature. The reason is because no one has ever been that way with me. Ever. The first time anyone ever deliberately tried to reach out to me it wasn't...aggressive. What I mean by aggressive is almost like, when I analyze a complete stranger and we have a big involved conversation that lasts about two days at the end of which I ask him out (that's right, talking about Johannes). Of course, I couldn't deal with someone who acted like me, I'd sooner kill them. Talking to me the way I talk to other people is like fighting (oh, and I mean fighting quite literally) fire with fire. A different approach is necessary, but aggressive none the less.
I feel like, whenever I receive a compliment, it's only because after I have praised them, they feel obligated to tell me something nice back. I very rarely get compliments without provoking them. Not only that, but often times I'll be really open with someone about my feelings and then they fail to return it. And I can never be sure if the reason is because they don't want to be or they don't know how. I always have to provoke people to get them to be open. And no one asks about me. No one has ever asked about me because they wanted to help. People have cared about me, yes, but the relationship I've had with them has never been quite satisfactory. I just always feel like I love them more than they love me. Like John Adams when he wrote Thomas Jefferson like three letters for every one Jefferson wrote, I know how he must have felt. Yeah, so they argued, each on opposite ends of partisan politics, but they loved eachother. Of course, for some reason, Adams just seemed to be more ready and able to talk and with more time (maybe not more time, but he MADE more time). Nobody ever does that for me. No one gives me their full attention unless they are complaining or I am saying something relevant to them. Sometimes, I tell people the truth, I tell them what they need to know, and they get mad at me, even after asking for what I thought. I could see had I just randomly told them without provocation, but people will ask me and then get mad when I don't answer they way they want. You're best friends are the ones that will tell you what you don't want to hear. A friend that can't tell you when your wrong is no friend at all.
Which brings me to the point that people rarely tell me anything I don't want to hear. I wish people would just be open with their criticism! I am, and with most people it isn't a problem, for I am also open with praise. But no, no one has anything negative to say. Only Alison says anything, and it's always positive. Alison loves me so, and I love her. But really, some negativity is called for here. I mean, being negative doesn't require yelling and taking offense and getting all afraid and shaken by new ideas, I myself favor playful discussion of one's flaws. And, people like Samantha, known for her temper, doesn't have a problem with this. She understands this concept, it pleases me. Sure, little things get her REALLY pissed off, but at least when she realizes the other party is willing to be reasonable, (and though she may be unreasonable) she won't start going nuts and will actually answer with her arguments (flawed as I may believe them to be, I gotta give her that). Or Patti. Patti is awesome, we discussed both her positive and negative characteristics and mine with ease and feeling. THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE, FEELING. You don't have to repress your feelings to do this. YOU DON'T, I CAN'T STRESS THE LACK OF NECESSITY FOR REPRESSION ENOUGH. All it requires is an acceptance of negativity and change as a part of life. Though the content of such conversations sometimes make me miserable, I don't get mad and I don't dislike the person and I consider them one of my closest friends. More often than not, however, at least lately, I don't get all miserable. Anyway, I wish people would criticize, that would prove to me how much they care. Not criticism because I bother them, but because they love me and want me to be happier. No one ever gives me that. Tons of people complain about me, but nobody will do it because they love me.
Some people may not agree with me on that one, but, more often than not, they are the type that are afraid of change and pain. WIMPS.
Sigh, when I was going out with Johannes I used to always feel like I had to do everything I could to keep him. All our problems were my fault and I ended up having to modify my behavior to try to fix things. When he broke up with me, he complained that I wanted him to change. Well, how I understood the situation was that in a relationship both parties must change to accomodate one another. Apparently, this is not how it works.
I'm willing to go through quite a bit to get people to love me. And I have, but though I can't deny they care, not the way I'd like them to. I want someone who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them, who is ruthless with their criticism and generous with their praise, accepting of my criticism and appreciative of my praise, is always open with me about their feelings, says things without me provoking them, who, when a problem can't be solved, can take it if we yell just to get rid of frustration, can joke with me easily, will concentrate on me without having to bring his own grievances into it, who would think that I'm actually worth a conscious effort to modify their behavior, who would read this whole entry and care...basically, I want him to return everything I give to him. I want someone to love me as much as I love them.

10:20pm: FUN VACUUM
Booooo....well, no, actually, yay. Both. Today, I found out that I will most likely have Mrs. Mingrone for AP LA! I LOVE MRS. MINGRONE! She is so coooool! She is the best LA teacher I ever had. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! So, that was good. But then I had pit practice, which was okay. We sight read the whole piece at a tempo too fast for a decent piano player such as myself. It is waaaay easier to learn a piece (note-wise) on a clarinet or other wind or string instrument (i have experience with wind instruments, I know what I am saying) than it is on a piano. There are chords and you have to move around like a crazy person sometimes to reach the keys. And I have tiny hands. Boo. So, it was alright.
But now, at, oh, 10:23, my scrabble-buddy, Johannes, went to sleep. He has sucked the fun out of this night. I can't play scrabble with other people. They are either like 4 times as good as I am and it isn't a challenge for me, but more like a slaughtering, ooooor they don't want to play oooooor I don't know them and therefore it isn't as fun because I can't sit around and make fun of them. :( PLEASE BE MY SCRABBLE BUDDY! I AM SO LONELY!

5:24pm: SUNSHINE AND LOLLIPOPS
I TELL YOU WHAT! TODAY IS ALL SUNSHINE AND LOLLIPOPS!
First, I was recommended for AP Language Arts. Oh no, NOT HONORS! BETTER! AP! Woo.
Second, I am the pianist for the musical: Once Upon a Mattress. It isn't a very good musical, buuuuuuuut....it still has a piano part. And I am the pianist!!!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee